A friend is on a mission to redefine the constellations from the Argos catalogue, to be more appropriate in the 21st century. Out go dragons, giant crabs, and man-horses with bows and arrows; in come lawnmowers, shoe-racks and sofa-beds.
Anyway, here is another round of cycling horoscopes…
Raleigh (20 Mar–20 Apr) You will be swept off your feet by a tall dark stranger today. Unfortunately they’re overtaking you at the time.
Brompton (21 Apr–20 May) Don’t be tempted to drink and cycle today. Be sensible: pull over to the side, stop, finish your can of Tennents Super, and only then continue on your way.
Specialized (21 May–20 Jun) You’ll be making waves today. Serve you right for cycling so fast along that canal towpath.
Kona (21 Jun–21 Jul) Today might be a good time to learn a new language, given the cosmopolitan nature of bus drivers who close-pass you.
Scott (22 Jul –22 Aug) It’s a day for building bridges. You just wish they weren’t still building the one you had hoped to cycle across.
Pashley (22 Aug–Sep) You’re good at tongue twisters, which is lucky when you witness an accident between a red lorry and a yellow lorry in Tokyo.
Cannondale (20 Sep–21 Oct) A long walk often helps think about a problem. In this case though the problem is why the bike parking is so damn far from where you need to be.
Thorn (22 Oct–21 Nov) You like doing things your own way, which is just as well, given that there are no direct signed cycle routes at all across the city centre.
Dawes (21 Nov–20 Dec) Someone gets knocked off their bike in Britain every 20 minutes. Unfortunately today that person is you, and by the end of the day you’ll be fed up of it.
Trek (21 Dec–20 Jan) Police suspicion over your outdoor photography is justified when your snaps of the cycle contraflow by Wetherspoons trigger a chain of events that ultimately causes the collapse of western democracy.
Giant (21 Jan–19 Feb) Your prayers for a miracle on your cycle trip to Lourdes are answered when, to the amazement of doctors, your bike gets a new set of tyres.
Dahon (19 Feb–20 Mar) Security should be a priority today. Use the heaviest, most robust cycle lock you can find to hit the thief trying to steal your bike.